BREAKING NEWS: The Best Burger I've Ever Had

No, that was not an earthquake you just felt. That was the deep moan that began in my belly and found it's way out my mouth, as it shaped itself into a moan of ecstasy.

Ladies and Gentlemen, I have tasted the best burger I have ever had in my life.

Here are the ingredients, in all their glory, as described by Time Out New York:

A cheeseburger with all the fixings of a Shack Burger sandwiching a panko-crusted, deep-fried, cheese-stuffed portobello mushroom.


Here is my description:
_$*&@!(!_!(*&@^(^!(*&@&!!!!!!!!!!@**

Run, don't walk, and try this burger.

366 Columbus Ave. @ 77th St.
(646) 747-8770

Five Guys, Five Stars

Patty Rating: 5/5

With all of the buzz surrounding President Obama's Five Guys visit, I have been longing to try one of their burgers. But let me clarify-- it was not because the leader of our country deemed the burger so good, but rather because of the bag that he held in his hands. That bag, which was drenched in greasy goodness, was an excellent sign of gauging just how much love a burger really has to give.

So finding myself across the street from the West Village location recently after a four hour happy hour session was needless to say...a sign.

The sweet aroma of beef and grilled onions made its way to my nose as soon as we walked (stumbled) in. The cashier, a man named Ray, waited to take my order. "Are you sure you just want a plain cheeseburger? I can give you all the toppings...for free." Boyyyyy, you better stop I thought...before gently replying yes.

Curiosity and vodka prompted me to ask if I could go behind the counter, into the kitchen, to watch the bugers being made. See photo above for the facial expression Ray gave me in response. (Ray don't play).

But neither did that burger. Never has a cab ride been so thrilling as it was with a greasy bag of fries in my lap, and a burger in my hand. This was easily one of the best burgers I've had in the city, and to say it was also under ten bucks, is definitely an accomplishment around these parts. Perfectly seasoned meat, grilled onions... POW! An explosion in my mouth. Five Guys is definitely worth a trip, if you are not afraid to get a little greasy.

Five Guys Famous Burgers
296 Bleecker St
(212) 367-9200
Price: $8

Two Burgers That Made My Heart Flutter

Elephant and Castles' "Elephant Burger"

A joyous burger topped with a mound of curried sour cream, crisp bacon strips, melted cheddar, raw scallions, and tomato betwinxt an awesomely toasted bun.

Shake Shack's "Double Stack" Burger

A cheese filled portebello mushroom with a ground beef burger patty.

DGBG Kitchen & Bar

Patty Rating: 2.5/5

Daniel Boulud is a name that is synonymous with fine New York city dining. His influence over the city's restaurant world is indisputable, and his latest dig, DGBG Kitchen & Bar, is no exception. My friend scored a coveted reservation at the increasingly popular spot, so a group of us made our way down to Soho on a sunny Saturday afternoon. The ambiance alone in the restaurant is worth the visit--with its huge open air kitchen and minimalist feel-- but let's get down to the burger, shall we?

There are three options here, which are affectionately known as the "Piggy" --topped with pulled BBQ pork and jalapeno on a cheddar cornbread bun, the "Frenchie" --complete with grilled pork belly, or the simple "Yankee"-- which you can add Vermont cheddar and bacon on top of to spice it up.

I ordered the Yankee. The presentation of the burger was meticulous, complete with a pickle toothpicked on top. A small tin can of french fries accompanies the burger. The actual meat reminded me almost of a grilled burger that you could find at an outdoor bbq, minus the 16 dollar price tag. The vermont cheddar added a nice sharp bite to the meat. It was the bun however, the crux of a good burger, that stopped it from becoming great. And a burger should always be great. The bread crumbled upon picking it up, and I eventually just ate the patty, despite feeling like a carnivorous dinosaur amongst civilized downtown hipsters. I don't believe in wasting meat.

I would recommend this restaurant, but not necessarily the burger. If you love sausage, DBGB is (forgive me) a sausage factory. There are over 12 kinds, from merguez to chorizo, and all of them sounded delicious. Next time, I will stick to that.

DBGB Kitchen & Bar
Burger Price Range- $14- $19
299 Bowery (at E. 1st St)
212-933-5300

Me & Applebee's

Rating: 4.5/5 Patties

Sparkling Water Anyone?

Do not ask me how I ended up at Applebee's. It is often in life's lowest moments that we seek the most common of things for comfort. No offense, but I am just not the American restaurant chain type of gal. Nonetheless, this changed when I had not only the treat of eating at Applebee's, but also having quite easily the best waiter I have ever met in my entire life.

Our waiter, a Middle Eastern man with a lisp and fabulous pep in his step promptly greeted us, and asked if we would like sparkling water or flat. Yes, you read that correctly. I was offered sparkling water at Applebee's. I guess in these tough economic times, there is no limit to what businesses are trying to do.

There was obviously only one option for me, a burger. But which one? Ahh yes, the A.1burger, which is topped with cracked peppercorn, Applebee's special seasonings, A.1 Steak Sauce, crispy fried onion strings, melted Jack cheese and mayo on a toasted bun.

Let me be clear: I will never again look down on a chain burger. Applebee's, you have proven a woman who is more often than not right-- totally totally wrong. Maybe I lucked out with the chef, maybe I was famished, but this burger was perfection. It was sloppy in all its artery clogging glory, unapologetic in its mountainous load of crispy onions, and unassuming in its simple presentation. This burger easily beat out many of the burgers that I've spent nearly 20 dollar on because it felt right and trendy. This was a glorious burger. Next time, I just may wash it down with sparkling water. Why not?

Delicatessen Restaurant

Say it with me now: Mmmmmm. Burger.

Rating: 4/5 Patties

Sobriety Level At Time of Consumption: Questionable

I have been to this trendy Soho restaurant numerous times, specifically for the ambiance, amazing martinis and well, fried chicken in a bucket (yes, keep it classy). But with the recent addition of a burger to their menu, a deep guttural moan released itself from my lips, and I had no choice but to succumb to the inevitable.

I like to twiddle my fingers before picking up a burger. The sort of call and response my eyes play with the patty that lays before me is a game I will never lose.

La Frieda provides beef to some of New York City's best restaurants, and Delicatessen is no different. For my non-beef lovers, there is a turkey burger on the menu that also looked good. But back to the beef...

The short rib blend of the burger had a nice char around the edges, adding to the sharpness of the cheddar cheese. And oh, that cheese. It ranneth over the bun, onto my plate, and into my welcoming mouth. This is the kind of burger that a nice cold bottle of Heineken goes well with. So naturally, I had two. A tin bucket of garlic fries accompanies the burger, which is also delicious.

What makes this burger worth a try is its simplicity. There is no over-gourging of condiments or blandness that often pervades even the grandest of burgers. It's a simple little number, on a nice soft bun. And I have always loved a simple approach.

Delicatessen
54 Prince St. at Lafayette
Price: $12.00

Thank You Sam Jackson

Because it never gets old...